Helping & Empathy versus Enabling

In our continued efforts to educate and inform we wanted to talk about Empathy/Helping versus Enabling and what those differences look like and how they can help or hinder others. 

By definition Empathy "is being in tune with someone else's emotional world. Understanding and accepting their pain, fears and goals, even if we have not experienced their exact situation, we have all experienced these feelings"

The definition of Enabling is "when one person facilitates, permits or enables destructive behaviors, and self destructive behavior towards one's self or another person" 

How do we help and have empathy without enabling? How do we help without self-sacrifice and being TOO empathetic? 

Healthy help and empathy includes discussing possible consequences for actions and choices. It provides no judgement, or expectations for what we believe the person should choose to do. 

Have solid advice and ideas for options ready, but DO NOT present them unless asked. Never make the person seeking help feel they have to choose what YOU want them to choose. 

When the helper has "all the ideas and resources" it gives the other person a sense that the helper is the one in control and with all the power of information. Helping is to put the decision making and requirements on the person seeking help, giving them free choice of options. Helping is a SAFETY NET NOT A HAMMOCK. Providing advice, resources and ideas, without being asked,  can easily make the person dependent on your help. 

Enabling is when we cross the line into feeling a sense of responsibility for the person and their problem. For example, "If I had only done this......then that would not have happened"  Emotional manipulation can play a large part of enabling also. The helper feels they are responsible in some way for the problem, or takes on that responsibility for another person's problems. The person seeking help no longer sees the consequences of their choices or actions and projects them on the helper. Thus, making the helper in control. 

It is a thin line between empathy/helping and enabling, however, with attention and education is can be done in a healthy, productive way that enhances the life and coping skills of the person seeking the help. 

author: N. Lunsford 4/26/2023

References for this essay: 

Counselor Toolbox; Dr Dawn Elsin-Snipes

Brendan Mooney, Psychologist

Skills&ATechniques for Human Services Professionals Edward Neukrug; 2nd edt